I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
