That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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