Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
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