Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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