True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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