they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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