Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
