Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
