Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
