Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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