I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
