He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
