I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
