I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
