There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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