watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
