i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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