How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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