Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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