we're blogging at a bar
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
