So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
