watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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