R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize