this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
