2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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