So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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