those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
