i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
love makes seman taste better
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize