can we get nightvision for the apartment?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
