don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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