my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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