There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
