I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
