My hand turned me down
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
