ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
