omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
