speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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