i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Randomize
