I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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