Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
