What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Houston, we have a squirter
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
