Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
