Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
