Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
