you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
