Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
