Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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