So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
