I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize