like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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