my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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